


Before and After

by Rizandace



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers Infinity War, Gen, Infinity War, Ragnarok, Thor: Ragnarok, gapfiller
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:38:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rizandace/pseuds/Rizandace
Summary: Set during the gap between the end ofThor: Ragnarokand the beginning ofAvengers: Infinity War. Loki and Thor hash some things out. It seems Thor has been paying a little bit more attention than Loki anticipated. Then, it all goes to shit.





	Before and After

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably OOC but I couldn't resist the urge to have Loki and Thor actually talk about some of their issues for ONCE. I wrote the majority of this before _Infinity War_ came out, and it was just sitting, unedited, in my drafts... I was compelled to finish it after seeing the movie, because of that damn opening scene. Let me know how I did!

For the first couple of weeks, Thor is reluctant to broach the subject that's been heavy on his mind with Loki. He's walking on eggshells all while trying to make it clear that he's not walking on eggshells. He keeps waiting to blink and find that Loki has vanished, that someone has said something to piss him off and he's decided to leave, or worse, that he's simply gotten bored and has decided there are better places to be. He has to stop himself from touching Loki all of the time, reaching out a hand to place on his shoulder, just to feel him solid, real, beside him.

Because here's the thing: it's too good to be true. Thor has lost his planet, lost the majority of his people, his hammer, his hair, his father, not to mention the sister he only just learned that he had in the first place. But now, he's leading his people, and he has Loki standing at his side, advising him, being there for him. It's exactly like he used to imagine it would be, back when he and Loki were young, back before so much between them had broken. He'd never thought, in a million years, that he'd actually get his brother back like this, and it made the whole thing a little hard to trust. He didn't want to start depending on Loki being there, just in case his wayward brother did decide to pick up and leave without warning.

He waits fifteen days, and then one day the two of them are sitting alone in Thor's quarters, Thor sifting through a report he'd been given earlier that day detailing their route, while Loki scribbles something in the air in front of him in glowing script, doing math, counting their supplies, and suddenly Thor can't wait any longer.

"Loki."

"Hm," Loki says, not looking away from his calculations. "If the trip to earth takes three years, we'll need to stop for supplies only once, but that's assuming you actually know where you're going, a highly improbable - "

"Is it somewhere safe?" Thor interrupts him, and Loki drops his hand, turning to look at him with raised eyebrows.

"What are you talking about?"

"The Tesseract."

Thor is so rarely able to surprise Loki. He wants to be able to relish in the rare moment, but the topic of conversation is far too serious for that. He watches Loki's face, sees his brother tense up, probably contemplating fleeing, or lying, but finally Loki shrugs, a small smile appearing on his face.

"I find myself equal parts proud and annoyed that you managed to figure me out."

"I haven't always paid very good attention," Thor says slowly. "But after everything, I do think I know you pretty well."

Loki spins his hand in the air in a lazy sort of way, and the glowing blue cube appears in mid air. "It's quite safe. Nobody can get to it but me, and nobody knows I have it. Except, apparently, you." He waves his hand again and the Tesseract vanishes into the air. "How did you guess?"

Thor shrugs, and attempts a smile. It feels more like a grimace, and he can taste phantom tears at the back of his throat, a strange memory of the years without Loki, the pain of his loss, coming back to remind him of what he'd gone without for so long. "Like I said, I know you. Why else would you come back to Asgard?"

Loki's mouth actually drops open. "Excuse me?"

Thor sighs, waiving a hand in Loki's direction in a don't mind me sort of gesture. "That didn't come out quite right. I'm grateful for what you did. Extremely grateful. I'd be dead if you hadn't turned up."

"I know," Loki said, his tone cutting. "That's why I did it."

Thor shrugged, turning back to the report in front of him. "As long as the Tesseract is safe. As long as you don't hand it over to anybody who might have less than honorable intentions."

"It's an insurance policy," Loki says. "I'm not selling it off to the highest bidder or anything." Thor thinks he's going for nonchalance, but there's something a bit wobbly in his tone, just a hint of uncertainty. Loki pauses for a long time before speaking again. "You really believe that?"

"What?"

"That I came to Asgard for the Tesseract."

"You're a self-serving person, Loki. It's the only reason you've managed to survive as long as you have. Holding a grudge about it would hardly be a productive use of my time." Thor is still staring at the reports in front of him, but he's not seeing them. This conversation was a mistake. He shouldn't have brought it up like that, not without thinking through carefully everything he wanted to say. Now he's put Loki on the defensive. Now Loki is going to leave again.

"Self-serving isn't the same thing as _heartless_ ," Loki hisses. "You're an idiot, Thor, but even you can't be this stupid."

"A moment ago you were impressed with me for knowing about the Tesseract!" Thor retorts. Maybe if he can goad Loki into a more playful argument as to the level of Thor's intellect... but when Thor glances up at his brother, he can see that Loki won't be going for it.

"I came back to Asgard to save your life, you ungrateful prick."

"I'm not saying you didn't, brother," Thor says. Loki's indignant expression is making Thor feel inordinately fond of him. "But we both know you probably wouldn't have bothered if there wasn't something in it for you." When Loki glares at him again, his jaw actually clenching, Thor puts a hand up in what he hopes is a placating gesture. "I'm not blaming you. Look, can we just forget it?"

Loki opens his mouth to yell again, Thor thinks, but then snaps it shut, an expression of contemplation crossing his face. "I suppose I've brought this on myself," he says finally, sitting down heavily in a chair across from Thor at the small table in the corner of the room.

"What are you talking about?"

"I've been insisting for years now that I hate you, want nothing to do with you, and it seems you've finally started to believe it. Ironic, that."

"I never said that," Thor says quickly. He's trying to keep himself from portraying alarm - it is very unlike Loki to be so open about the twisted nightmare they've been living through for the past several years. He's terrified that if he says the wrong thing, Loki will vanish right in front of him. "As much as you've said otherwise, I know you care about me. I may be dense on occasion, but I refuse to believe I've been entirely wrong about you for 1500 years."

"You haven't been," Loki replies, his voice low. "And yet you think I would have left you to die on Asgard."

"You've done it before," Thor says. "What can I say? You're a complicated person, brother."

"When? When have I done it before?"

Thor stares at Loki for a second, sure his brother must be joking, and then starts ticking off the incidents on his fingers. "You dropped me inside of an enforced glass container thousands of feet off of a flying aircraft carrier on Midgard. You sent a giant robot after me, you tried to sell me to that all-powerful asshole running gladiator death matches - "

"I wouldn't have let you _die_ ," Loki scoffs, looking at Thor like the very idea is ludicrous. Then he pauses for a moment, and a brief flash of horror crosses his face, before he smooths it away, leaving behind a frightening blankness. "You thought. You thought I - " he shakes his head, staring at Thor as if he's never seen him before.

And before Thor can say anything, Loki has vanished.

* * *

 

Thor tries not to despair. He tells himself that he planned for this, that he expected it, but it's not enough to stop his heart from dropping as he walks through the ship, stopping to talk with various Asgardians, and finds that Loki is not on board. He keeps it together, ignoring penetrating looks from Heimdall and concerned pats on the shoulder from every other person he passes in the hallway. He feels like he's _pining_ , and he knows everybody can see it. He tries to hold on to his anger and frustration - what the hell is Loki even playing at, acting all insulted? Like it's some big secret that he's tried to kill Thor in the past. Like it's really so ludicrous for Thor to assume that Loki had ulterior motives coming to Asgard. Please.

"I didn't even know if the Tesseract was down there," Loki says. Thor jumps. He'd just entered his quarters, to find his brother sitting in the bed, his back against the wall, one leg up and the other stretched along the bed. "When I saw it, I seized the opportunity. But that's not why I came to Asgard."

Thor stares at him for a long moment, and then nods. "Okay."

"You don't believe me."

"Can you blame me?"

"No," Loki says. "But I'm not lying to you, for once."

"What's gotten into you?" Thor asks. He should be relieved to see Loki in front of him, but instead his annoyance is bubbling up to the surface. "Since when are you _sincere_ about things, and since when do you care what I think of you?"

"That's all I've ever cared about," Loki says immediately, and then he shrugs, a fond smile tugging the corner of his mouth. "As for the sincerity thing... maybe I just like keeping you on your toes."

Thor laughs, although he doesn't much feel like it. "Great. Do you have any idea what you do to me, Loki? Do you have any concept of what it's like?"

"If you're going to be dramatic about it - " Loki begins, but Thor glares at him enough that Loki actually stops, cringing back into the bed frame.

"You're the dramatic one," Thor hisses. "You're the one who hurts me, who twists everything around so I don't know what to believe anymore."

Loki just stares at him for a moment, and Thor, annoyed at the lack of a response, continues, the words bubbling up out of him almost without his permission.

"I know I haven't been the best brother to you, Loki. I know I ignored you, I failed to see how badly you were suffering. I took you for granted. But at least you don't have any reason to doubt that I love you. At least you know I'm not manipulating you every time I say something kind. I can't trust a word that comes out of your mouth - whenever you say or do anything I have to ask myself if you're just telling me what I want to hear. If you're nice to me, if you express affection for me, I can't trust it. I have to assume you've got some bigger game in the works. I have to assume that every word out of your mouth is insincere. It's the only way I can survive. Do you understand that? I look back on our childhood, on all the happiness we shared, and I wonder if any of it was even real. You were my best friend, Loki, the person in this universe I cared the most for. You still _are_."

Loki's expression is impossible for Thor to read. Thor can feel an even longer rant threatening to bubble up from within him, but he clamps down on it. He's said enough. He's said more than he should, more than he meant to.

"I was angry at you," Loki says finally, his voice slow and measured. "I even hated you. I wanted you to suffer. You're right about all of that. But it wasn't a lie, brother. Our lives, before everything fell to pieces. That's why I was so angry - I cared for you more than you could possibly know."

"But you've never cared about what any of this would do to me?" Thor asks. He's still standing in the doorway, he realizes, and he takes a couple of steps into the room, trying to ignore the way his voice has come out with a note of pleading. "All the suffering you caused..."

"I wanted you to hurt," Loki says. "But I don't anymore. I can't... I can't say I'm sorry for all of it. But for the worst of it, for making you think I wished you dead... I regret that."

"That's not the worst of it," Thor replies, taking a seat at the edge of the bed, and scrubbing a hand over his face. Loki has hardly moved since he walked in, but he's pulled his other leg up to his chest and has his arms wrapped around his knees. The look on his face is an odd mixture of anger, exasperation, and maybe a tinge of fear. They're both wading into uncharted territory with this conversation. Thor still doesn't understand why Loki has chosen this moment to open up about all of this, but he's going to seize the opportunity while he has it.

Loki gives him a curious look. "Do you have my wrongdoings ranked, Thor? What's the worst of it, then? Let me guess - attempting to take over your precious Earth?" There's no real venom in Loki's tone, just a tired sort of curiosity.

Thor huffs out a small laugh. "That ranks higher than trying to kill me, oddly enough. But no, that wasn't the worst."

"Are you going to keep me in suspense?"

"Surely it's easy to guess," Thor says. He realizes that he's failing to keep his tone light, that the heaviness of their conversation has crept in on him again. But he's gone this far now, he can't back out. "You faked your death. You let me believe you were dead for years, Loki. You let me suffer."

"I was angry, Thor, I was angry at our father, I had just discovered I had been lied to my entire life - "

"No. Not the first time. I forgave you for that the second I realized you were alive on Earth. I blamed myself for everything that happened, not you. I'm talking about the fight with Malekith."

Loki's eyes narrow for a moment, as if he's finding it hard to remember who the hell that is, and then shoot up again. "Oh, that. That's the worst thing I've ever done to you? Honestly, I'd rank it pretty low if you compare it to - "

"You died in my arms," Thor roars, and Loki flinches back from the volume of it. "You died in my arms and I... I failed you. Did you never wonder why I spent so long avoiding Asgard? You were sitting there, playing house, pretending to be our father, and I couldn't even bear to go home because I didn't want to be there without you!"

Loki looks at him in shock. "I hardly had a choice, Thor - "

"You were that desperate to get away from me, that you'd let me believe I'd lost you, _again_. You had to know what that would to do me, Loki, you _had_ to know. I really thought you were out of tricks - I really thought that when the final moment came, you'd chosen to sacrifice everything for me - "

"But I did!" Loki says, leaning forward and jumping off of the bed. "This is an utter mess, I can't believe we've gone this long without discussing it - Thor, I _did_ risk my life for you on that damn planet. I wasn't... faking anything, alright?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Thor snaps.

"I..." Loki pauses, then purses his lips and looks down, avoiding Thor's eyes. "I meant it, that I didn't help you to impress father. I did it for you, I... I wasn't sure if I would be able to come back or not. I had contingencies, but I had no way of testing them, so for all I knew that was my last living moment. My plans worked. I came back. But I wasn't sure, I couldn't _know_..."

Thor stares at his brother in wonder. He's not accustomed to seeing Loki stammer. "Slow down," he says finally, and Loki stops, snapping his head up to look at him. "Loki - what do you mean contingencies?"

"When I fell from the bifrost, the only reason I survived is that Thanos found me. After that experience I wanted to set up plans, ways that I might come back if someone got the drop on me again. So I did. When that monster stabbed me on the dark planet, I... I died. I thought I'd probably come back, but I wasn't sure. I could hardly reassure you, there wasn't time, and anyway I didn't want to give you false hope..."

"So you..." Thor shakes his head. "But that doesn't explain why you wouldn't come and find me when you came back. I stood in front of you in Asgard, talking to Odin, you could have..."

"I was afraid you were going to lock me up again," Loki says. He has the grace to look a little ashamed. "I never meant... I suppose I thought I'd get around to telling you eventually."

Thor shakes his head. "You're unbelievable."

"That we can both agree on."

"When I..." Thor swallows, trying to control the waver in his voice. "When I realized you were on Asgard, that you were alive, I was so grateful, but I was also so angry. Angry that you'd let me believe you were gone, angry at myself for believing you cared about me. You said what I wanted to hear, and I chose to believe it because it was easier than accepting the truth."

"Easier to believe I was dead, than that I didn't love you?" Loki asks. He sounds like he's trying very hard not to sound hurt by this.

"Nothing is worse than you being dead," Thor says flatly. "But I didn't want to believe you could be so cruel, even with all of the evidence in front of me."

For a long moment, they are both silent, and then Loki sighs, coming to sit next to Thor on the edge of the bed. "Well. We are an utter mess."

"Hm."

"Any chance we can just try for a clean slate?" Loki asks. He sounds tired. "I'm just not sure I have the energy to keep pretending I despise you, brother. I'm here, and I actually want to be - I'm asking you if that can be enough, at least for now."

Thor can't trust the words - he still has to wonder if there's some bigger plan - if Loki is only sticking around because it's convenient for him, if he's going to screw him over in some way in the future. But he wants to believe Loki - wants to hope that he can have his brother back - and he has to start somewhere.

"It's enough," he says finally, a big smile breaking out over his face. "If you give me another hug." 

Loki pitches a small fit, but ultimately does as he's been asked. He seems to be having trouble hiding his own smile.

* * *

 

It's three days later that Thanos arrives. It all happens so quickly. Thor doesn't have time to feel the horror of it as he watches his friends, his... his _subjects_ , cut down in front of him. He watches Heimdall, Loki, and so many of the others fight valiantly against Thanos and his henchmen, his heart leaping into his throat every time a blow lands, every time a friend stumbles. Within seconds, he knows this is not an honorable battle, but rather an extermination, and the only thing that gives him any hope in the end is the sight of a small contingent of Asgardians heading quickly and quietly towards the ship's escape hatch. It does not taste of dishonor to Thor - he is too relieved for that. Someone will make it out alive, and that's enough.

And then it's over, as quickly as it began. He sees his brother's face when Thanos grabs Thor, sees the calculations running a mile a minute behind those cunning eyes. Thor tries to meet his gaze, tries to communicate silently. _Let him kill me, don't give him the stone._ But Loki won't look at him. Thanos offers his choice, and Loki seems completely composed as he contemplates the titan in front of him. "Kill away," Loki says, his tone cutting.

Thor experiences heartbreak and relief in equal measure. He's grateful Loki has made the right choice, but he knows he wouldn't have been able to in his brother's place. As Thanos presses the stone to his face, he feels blinding pain and can only grasp on to the grateful thought that he's _not_  in Loki's place, that he's not being forced to watch his brother suffer. He can feel his mind straining under the power of Thanos' attack, feels pain unlike any other physical sensation he's ever known. For the first time in his very long life, he wishes for death -

"Alright, _stop_!" Loki's voice is uncharacteristically hoarse and unsettled, and after Thor is done gasping for breath, he manages to focus his gaze on Loki and sees tears shining in brother's eyes.

"We don't have the Tesseract," Thor gasps out. _Please, brother. Please. Just let me go._ "It was destroyed on Asgard!" Loki glances at Thor for only a moment, and in that look is centuries of history. Loki feels guilty, he feels desperate, and he loves his brother. There's no one left in this world that he needs. And he'd rather watch the world burn than watch Thor die in front of him. Thor sees it all in that one second, and he sees the end of the word written in Loki's eyes. The Tesseract appears in the Trickster God's hands, and Thor can't help it: "You really are the worst brother."

Loki's gaze remains steadfast, and when he responds, Thor knows that his brother heard everything in those words - his exasperation and anger right alongside his affection and loyalty. A cocktail of everything they've been to each other since time immemorial. "I assure you, brother," Loki says. "The sun will shine on us again."

Thor doesn't have a great deal of time to process those words in the next few minutes, as he watches Loki approach Thanos. Then Banner is in the mix, Loki is throwing himself at Thor, and there's time for only two words, hissed out in a low, panicked whisper. "Trust me," Loki says, even before they've come to a rest on the floor, and before Thor can think of an answer to that, Loki is up and he has vanished. The Hulk is ineffective against Thanos, and it's only Heimdall's heroic final act that gives Thor another shred of hope amidst despair. If Banner makes it back to Midgard, at least his friends there will have warning.

If the past several years have taught Thor anything, it's that Loki never means exactly what he says. He obfuscates, hiding meaning in puzzles and riddles. It's the most infuriating thing about him, but it's also the only thing that lets Thor keep breathing as he watches Loki twitching in Thanos' grasp, hears the echo of that final, precious "Odin's son," the look of fondness and... apology? that Loki graced him with just before he brought the dagger up to his enemy's throat. Loki had to know that wouldn't work. He had to know - there must be something hidden in his words. Thor holds on to that even as he hears the snap of Loki's bones and watches his brother fall, dead, to the floor of the ship. The ship Loki brought to Asgard, in order to rescue Thor. Even after Thor had left him twitching on the floor of that spaceship hangar.

 _Trust me... The sun will shine on us... I assure you, brother..._ Thor plays the words in a loop as he presses his face into Loki's dead chest, feels his own heart crystallizing inside of him. Why is he still alive? What's the point? He's lost. It's all over. He doesn't want to find the escaped remnants of his people. He doesn't want to rule them. Has _never_ wanted to rule them without Loki by his side. Was his brother trying to tell him something? Did he have a bigger plan? _The sun will shine on us again..._ Loki always has another plan, shouldn't Thor have learned that by now? But what if the "trust me" was just meant to warn Thor that Loki was going to fake obedience to Thanos? Or maybe... maybe...

Thor is sobbing, because he's grieving, but also because he's not sure. He can't let himself accept Loki's demise, because he can't even know if his brother is really gone, or if he's pressing his face into the chest of some sort of decoy. Is Loki somewhere watching? Snickering at Thor's naivete? No. He can't believe that. Loki wouldn't be that cruel, not again. But if Loki is alive, then shouldn't he have found a way to tip Thor off to his plan? _Trust me. The sun will shine..._

Around him, the ship begins to break apart, and Thor gives up. He can't think anymore. He supposes it doesn't really matter if Loki is dead or not; Thor won't be alive long enough to confirm it either way. He can let himself go with the false hope that somewhere out there, his mischievous little brother is already plotting Thanos' end. It's a fantasy, but he lets himself believe it. Thor grips Loki tighter, and wishes for the end to come.


End file.
